When the words come out wrong

Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad.
But don’t you know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When things go wrong, I seem to be bad.
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good:
Oh Lord! Please don’t let me be misunderstood …

(Nina Simone, The Animals, Joe Cocker, John Legend, Lana del Ray, et al)

It’s been one of those days – one of those weeks in fact.

I thought of things I needed to say – wanted to say – but express them poorly.

I created scenes at home when none were needed. I contributed – significantly – to a household which is going to bed tonight, deflated and in tears. If only:

  • I had expressed myself more clearly
  • I had waited rather than aggressively snapped at my family constantly when they were too slow to respond
  • I had listened more carefully to what they did say rather than jumped to conclusions based on half heard stories.

I felt sluggish at work. I couldn’t get my brain into gear. I lacked enthusiasm, was grumpy and annoyed. I tried – oh how I tried – but the words just were not there.

I was off key in the way I interacted with others outside of home and work:

  • I couldn’t connect – I was in a different headspace
  • I tried anecdotes and not being too inward focused. My questions though somehow missed the mark, and were received with quizzical expressions (at best)
  • I tried to keep to myself, to avoid tripping up, but sometimes, you just can’t bury yourself that much. Interacting is a part of life. This week, it was a bad part.

So when, after many years, I heard this song again tonight, it resonated. I have felt misunderstood – by others this week, but even more, I have been frustrated and confused in myself. When I cannot express myself – when I cannot connect – there are few things that make me feel angry and alone. Ironically, in the week I was writing about ‘success’, I was not managing to achieve key aspects – self awareness and connection.

I started this blog partly to become better at expressing myself. I hoped the discipline of writing out things that are rattling in my mind would also translate to being more effective in verbally expressing myself. It might be working – the jury is still out.

But this time, I hope this post will also be a means of expressing my apologies, for those to whom I’ve been less than ‘angelic’.

I am sorry for this week. I don’t always get it right – especially when I don’t get enough sleep. But I try. And my intentions are good (well, usually). And tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow we can start over again – promise.

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6 thoughts on “When the words come out wrong

  1. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all have moments that are less than perfect and when we are not the person who we want to be. It’s how we learn and grow I suppose x

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    1. You are so right, Kel – communication is very hard, especially if you are an over-analyser (as I think we both are) – and if you have children who are very articulate and reflective (which will be good in the long run, I am sure, but they take things very much to heart). And a husband who is very tolerant – but if I felt misunderstood, I can sometimes take it out on him to share the pain, by pushing him long enough to get a reaction. And then I wonder why I feel hurt (how strange). Slowly realising it is about me, often, in terms of what I allow to get to me. Usually that is because my self worth defences are missing, due to lack of sleep, lack of exercise, poor food and lack of ‘self time’. Friday night’s sleep made a huge difference (and exercise throughout the weekend).

      After the week we’ve had I’ve given myself a little fist pump for a much better day yesterday and even more so today (we had a bit of an emotional child period, and between Al and I, we handled it much better than we have in the past). So off key part of last week, but a really good weekend – I think that is pretty good! xx

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    1. We do, don’t we? We’ve just got to remember that if we are trying, and if we are doing our best, we can’t ask for more than that – and yes, remembering the good days too xx

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