Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad.
But don’t you know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When things go wrong, I seem to be bad.
But I’m just a soul whose intentions are good:
Oh Lord! Please don’t let me be misunderstood …
(Nina Simone, The Animals, Joe Cocker, John Legend, Lana del Ray, et al)
It’s been one of those days – one of those weeks in fact.
I thought of things I needed to say – wanted to say – but express them poorly.
I created scenes at home when none were needed. I contributed – significantly – to a household which is going to bed tonight, deflated and in tears. If only:
- I had expressed myself more clearly
- I had waited rather than aggressively snapped at my family constantly when they were too slow to respond
- I had listened more carefully to what they did say rather than jumped to conclusions based on half heard stories.
I felt sluggish at work. I couldn’t get my brain into gear. I lacked enthusiasm, was grumpy and annoyed. I tried – oh how I tried – but the words just were not there.
I was off key in the way I interacted with others outside of home and work:
- I couldn’t connect – I was in a different headspace
- I tried anecdotes and not being too inward focused. My questions though somehow missed the mark, and were received with quizzical expressions (at best)
- I tried to keep to myself, to avoid tripping up, but sometimes, you just can’t bury yourself that much. Interacting is a part of life. This week, it was a bad part.
So when, after many years, I heard this song again tonight, it resonated. I have felt misunderstood – by others this week, but even more, I have been frustrated and confused in myself. When I cannot express myself – when I cannot connect – there are few things that make me feel angry and alone. Ironically, in the week I was writing about ‘success’, I was not managing to achieve key aspects – self awareness and connection.
I started this blog partly to become better at expressing myself. I hoped the discipline of writing out things that are rattling in my mind would also translate to being more effective in verbally expressing myself. It might be working – the jury is still out.
But this time, I hope this post will also be a means of expressing my apologies, for those to whom I’ve been less than ‘angelic’.
I am sorry for this week. I don’t always get it right – especially when I don’t get enough sleep. But I try. And my intentions are good (well, usually). And tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow we can start over again – promise.